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August 17 - 2009, FF
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Noah held Luke tightly as the tears again began to fall. The feel of Noah's arms around him made it impossible for Luke to hold in the emotions that he was feeling. He tried to be strong, but he couldn't. Noah told him that it wasn't his fault that his dad had died, but the guilt just took him over. Noah rubbed his back. "That's it just let it out."
Luke tried to catch his breath and pulled away from Noah. "That's all I've done. I'm trying to be strong for my mother and my sisters and brother, but I just don't think I can."
Noah held Luke by his arms. "Your sisters and brother...do they know?"
Luke wiped his nose. "My mom picked them up at the farm. She was here when I got here. She said Ethan was watching a video and Faith..oh my God Faith."
Noah watched Luke as he headed for the door. "What about her?"
Luke stopped and turned to his boyfriend. "She must have run off. I need to find her."
Noah grabbed Luke's arm. "Your mom wanted you to stay here, besides right now you need the attention."
Luke tried to shake off Noah. "I'll be fine. I need to be strong for them."
Noah slid his hand down Luke's arm and took his hand in his. "Right now, you need to think about you. I know we can't leave, but what do you say we check on your brother and then we can sit here and I can hold you a little longer."
Luke bit his lip. "What if I say no?"
Noah smiled and wiped a tear from Luke's face. "I'll have to throw you over my shoulder and make you."
For a second Luke forgot about his father and the terrible situation. "Promise?"
Noah smiled wider and pecked Luke the lips before grabbing his hand and bringing him to Ethan's room. The boy was fine, just contently sitting watching a video, blissfully unaware of the terrible atmosphere surrounding his family. When Luke and Noah were sure he was safe, they went back and sat on the couch, Noah sitting on the end, and Luke curling up into his boyfriend.
Noah sat there rubbing small circles on Luke's back and breathing in his scent through that blond mop of hair. Suddenly he thought of something to distract Luke.
"Hey babe." Noah whispered. Luke looked at him signaling that Noah had his attention. "Do you know what happenned exactly two years ago today?" Luke furrowed his brow and Noah smiled at how adorable his boyfriend was when he was thinking. "It's alright your brain is in overdrive right now." Luke gave Noah a small smile.
"It's the two year anniversary of the day we first kissed." Luke's eyes widened and he dropped his head.
"Damn. I ruin everything."
Noah put his hand under Luke's chin, lifting it so that he could look him in the eye. "You do not ruin everything Luke, your dad just died, the last thing on your mind should be our first kiss."
Luke felt his body shake and his eyes burn as more tears formed up in his eyes. "I know but......I can't even wrap my head around it, he was just always there and whenever something went wrong I had him to fall back on and to turn to....and now I've been so confused that I forgot a special moment in our relationship to"
Noah brushed some of Luke's sweaty hair from his sticky forehead. "He's only gone physically hon, he will always be in your heart and your spirit, and I would be a pretty bad boyfriend if I got angry at you forgetting our first kiss in a time like this"
Luke felt the tears come again, spilling over from his lids and splashing down his face, his whole body shaking as they fell. "I just can't believe hes gone, hes really really gone and hes never ever coming back, all this time he was always there and he was so invincible and now hes left us forever, FOREVER and it's all my fault!" Luke sat up and tried to run again, feeling the strongest urge to bash something. Noah grabbed him and fought him gently, holding him tightly from behind as Luke cried and tried to break lose.
Noah held him firmly, whispering soft mumurs of nothings in his ear, stroking his back firmly as Luke turned in his arms and gripped him for dear life, never wanting nor daring to let go.
Luke started to whisper to Noah.
"Because of me my father died. If I had just gone with him...." Noah pulled back and cut Luke off.
"I already told you, you don't know that he fell asleep, he could've swerved or gotten hijacked. And if that happenned then you would be laying in that ravine with him!" Luke looked down again and mumbled something. Noah couldn't hear it so he pulled up his chin.
"What was that baby?" He whispered.
"I said maybe thats where I should be. Down in the ravine." Luke admitted coldly. Noah flinched like he had been slapped.
"You didn't just say that." Noah said softly. "How could you say that? Don't you know what loosing you would do to me? Not to mention the rest of your family. I'm never gonna let that happen. Call me selfish, I don't care. But, I can't--I won't loose you." Noah finished strongly, hollding on to Luke's arms. Luke looked at Noah with tears in his eyes.
Suddenly he was pulling the beautiful brunette in for a long deep wonderful kiss. The passion that was in their first was shown, intensified by a thousand. This kiss was perfectly perfect. Soon they pulled apart and Luke looked deeply into Noah's eyes.
"Make love to me." He commanded. Noah looked at him confused.
Luke continued staring.
"Damian is still here, he can watch Ethan. I just need to feel something real right now Noah. I need you inside me. Please. Take me home and make love to me."
“Baby…are you sure that’s what you want?”
“Of course. I need you, baby. Please. I can’t stand feeling like this anymore.”
It broke Noah’s heart to see the tears in Luke’s eyes. If it was possible, he would take Luke’s pain and suffering away in a second. He would do anything for Luke, but he wasn’t sure that having sex was really what Luke needed right now. It was completely understandable that Luke would want to forget, and as much as Noah enjoyed having sex with Luke, he knew that nothing could ease his pain but time.
“Noah, please, take me home. I can’t be here anymore. I need you to make love to me. Please.”
“Luke…I’ll take you home if that’s what you want but…maybe now isn’t the best time?”
“Why? Why not? Noah, come on. I need this. I need you. You have no idea how much this hurts.”
“Yes, I do, Luke.”
“I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I can’t, I just, please. Just make this pain go away.”
“Luke, I wish I could.”
“Why are you saying no?”
Noah didn’t want Luke to think that he didn’t want him. It wasn’t about that at all. But he didn’t think sex was really what Luke needed right now. He understood why Luke wanted to, he really did, but he felt that making love to Luke should be more about joy than pain.
“Do you really want to leave before your mom gets back?”
“Noah, please, don’t make me feel even more guilty.”
“That’s not what I was trying to do.”
“Can’t you understand that I just need you now? Can’t you just do this for me?” Luke got closer to Noah, and leaned in to kiss him, but Noah gently pulled away.
“Luke, if I thought making love to you would really make you feel better, then I would take you home right now, but-”
“Then just leave.”
Noah stood his ground and crossed his arms staring at Luke.
"What do you mean no? I said get out." Luke said, getting angry.
"And I said no." Noah stated again.
"Noah you don't need to stick around okay?" Luke said. "You don't want me anymore so whats the point anyway?"
"Who the hell said I didn't want you Luke?" Noah all but yelled. Though he contained himself. He knew Luke was just upset and angry and since he was right there he was the one Luke was aiming that anger at. Never the less, Noah pressed on, stepping close to Luke and cupping his face in his hands.
"Luciano Edwardo Snyder I want you more and more every day. There are times when it physically hurts me not to be around you. Remember when you told me a couple weeks ago that you might be going on a trip?--"
"The one that got my father killed you mean." Luke inturrupted. Noah closed his eyes and kept talking as if he wasn't inturrupted.
"When I heard you were gonna be gone I was crushed. Knowing you would be so far away. The only thing keeping me sane was the fact that I could call you to hear your voice. And that the trip was relativly short. Personaly I'm glad you didn't go on it, if Holden didn't fall asleep and he was forced off the road. If you were in that car....... then you would've died to and I don't know what I'de do if anything happenned to you. Because Luke I love you and I want you always and forever." By this time there were tears threatening to wet Noah's cheeks. And Luke was full on crying. With desperation in his voice and face
(picture julia roberts' face in steel magnolias when she's asking for her mom's support)
Luke held Noah's wrists, which were still by his face and pleaded.
"Then why won't you make love to me?" The sound of Luke's lonely voice almost broke Noah's heart. He couldn't stop himself from pulling Luke into a bone crushing hug.
"Because Luke." Noah whispered, not letting go of him even a little.
"I am not booze. Making love isn't going to change whats going on. I understand you want to forget, but thats what you wanted everytime you reached for another beer, to forget, to ease the pain. I can't do that. What I can do is be here. I can be your rock when you need someone to lean on. Your ear when you need someone to talk to. And your teddy bear when you just need someone to hold. But what I won't be is the warm body you want just to forget." Noah finished giving Luke a squeeze and kissing his neck.
Luke pulled back and looked Noah in the eyes, his tears slowly drying.
"You know that word thing you always say you suck at? Your getting pretty damn good." Luke said, a small semblance of a smile reaching his lips. Noah smiled a bit and pecked Luke a kiss.
"I love you Luke."
"I love you to Noah."
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, Aug 24 2009, 8:24 AM EDT
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