Noah kept tossing in his bed. He looked at the alarm clock and saw that it was 3:27 in the morning and he was still wide awake.
He got up from bed and went into the bathroom… he saw his face in the mirror and couldn’t help but notice the wrinkles around his eyes.
“You’re getting old, Noah Mayer…” he thought. He was going to be 30 very soon and had found himself thinking about his past a lot lately. “When was the last time you slept all night?” he asked himself.

He thought about his childhood, always afraid his dad would make him move after finally managing to make some friends… his teenage years weren’t any better, hiding what he was and terrified that his father would find out about him… he remembered getting to Oakdale and couldn’t stop himself from smiling. Oakdale… that was the only time he had felt at home. Even with all the terrible things that had happened to him and Luke there.

“Ah… Luke Snyder…”

The smile got bigger just thinking about him, and a warm feeling went through his body remembering him, Luke Snyder… He’d been his first boyfriend and they were somehow still kids, but Noah had never felt better in his entire life, never felt so complete, so… happy.
He turned off the light and went into the kitchen, where he got a cup and decided to heat up some water. He smiled again remembering Luke’s Grandma Emma. She had found him in the kitchen at the farm one night and had asked him what was bothering him…
“Nothing, Mrs. Snyder, I just don’t sleep very well… never did…”
Emma looked at him with her sweet smile and touched his cheek “Well, that’s because you never had my special good night drink”
He smiled again remembering… she made some herbal tea for him and sat for awhile with him, looking at him in a way that made him feel warm and loved. When he finished his tea she made him go back to bed and Luke had to go and wake him up the next morning. From that night on he never had any problem sleeping. He still didn’t know if it was because of Emma’s tea or Luke’s love… probably both.

That is until he was stupid enough to break up with him… “Shit, why did I do that? Why did I break his heart like that?” He could still remember the pain, he thought it was going to break himself in half, that searing pain… felt his own heart break in a second, when Luke told him to fight for him and he just didn’t. “Why did I let myself think that he would be better without me? That I would be strong enough to live without him?”

He held his head in his hands “Will I ever forgive myself for being so stupid? Such a coward? My father was right after all”
“Okay, no, no!” Luke’s voice was in his head “Noah, please don't. Look. You may be messed up and we may not have some nice, happy fairy-tale ending, but don't you for a second tell me that that man was right about anything! Especially about you.” Noah could still hear Luke’s words in his head.

He found himself sitting down on the cold floor thinking about Luke… smiling at him at the Snyder pond, sneaking kisses on the porch and holding hands… Luke telling him he loved him on Christmas day. Noah smiled again, Christmas was never the same after that one… nothing could be better than hearing those words from Luke

“You don't have to say this back. But I love you, Noah. And I'm so in love with you”

Now he said it out loud, what he couldn’t say that day

“I love you too, Luke… I love you so much it hurts”

10 years have gone by and he was still that stupid boy in love with the kindest guy he’d ever met…

He closed his eyes and tried to remember his face, couldn’t help but smile when he thought about his hair, his beautiful hair, always changing the style making Noah smile every time he saw Luke, never knowing if he was going to look the same the next time he saw him. He wiped a tear away from his face and looked at his fingers.

“I’ve lost count of the tears I have shed for you… If I could go back in time… if I could go back to that terrible day and told you how much you meant for me, how much I wanted you… needed you”

He pressed his hands against his eyes “Come on, I can’t cry for him every night” He had never felt so alone, so unloved and sad, so deeply sad, his bones felt cold, and he felt old, very old when he thought about his life now, empty, successful and yet so empty…

10 years and he still missed him like hell, Luke still was a piece missing in his house, his bed, his life… damn, Luke was that missing piece in his heart…

“Where are you now, Luke?” he hated himself for asking that every night.

He was sure Luke lived with some great guy, they probably had kids and a house, and… he’d wanted that for himself, so much…
Was he still living in Oakdale? Maybe they had a house near the farm, and Lily and Holden were probably great grandparents and…
Noah just stayed there wondering…

“what are you doing now, Luke?”

Somewhere not far away, at the same time…


Chapter 2