When Luke went back home he found open drawers and clothes missing… Noah had packed a suitcase. He hadn’t left a note, nothing… Luke just looked at the unmade bed and wished he could go back in time. He should’ve held him, he shouldn’t have asked and pushed… that’s what he did 11 years before and it didn’t help, why didn’t he learn his lesson then? Why was he so stupid…?

He dropped Aaron off at the farm. Holden was going to take care of him while Luke tried to fix things with Noah. He knew he had a room at the Lakeview, so he was going to go there and apologize… and hope that Noah would talk to him.

Once at the Lakeview he stood up in front of the door and breathed deeply. He’d had prepared what he wanted to say in the car. He knew how to start and what to do, he was ready for this… He knocked and waited. He could hear Noah’s footsteps aproaching the door from the other side and the need to be with him swallowed him whole.

“Noah… please, open the door… please…”

He was ready to beg

Noah opened the door and looked at him

“You opened the door…”

“What do you want? Are you going to ask me to leave the hotel too?”

“No, shit… I am sorry, so sorry… I need you and…”

“You threw me out, Luke…”

Luke saw tears in Noah’s eyes and wanted to die. He caressed his cheek and pushed him inside. Noah moved away from his touch and Luke closed the door and looked at him. Here was the love of his life undone because of him… How do you fix that?

“I am so sorry…”

“You threw me out…”

Noah sat on the bed and covered his face with his hands. Luke kneeled in front of him and tried to make him look at him, he needed Noah to see that he was sorry, that he hated himself.

“I was so scared… I am sorry…”

Noah wasn’t moving. Luke could feel something wet in his hands and realized that Noah was crying. He felt his own eyes welled up… I did this… that’s all he could think. I did this.

He remembered that terrible day when he went to Noah’s flat in NY and found him on the floor. There was blood in his face and he looked so sad, and hurt and everything at the same time. His father had beaten him up and he didn’t cry… Not one tear. He hadn’t seen him cry in the year they’d been together. Just out of happiness. Only because he’d been so happy… never out of despair. And he did that. He didn’t know if Noah would be able to forgive him, but he was sure he’d never forgive himself.

He kissed his hands and his forehead

“I am sorry, babe… I was so frustrated. You are not talking to me, I know something is killing you and you leave me out of it… It was like 11 years ago, I saw it all happening again, you leaving me and… and I couldn’t cope with the idea of you telling me that you needed a break…”

“You threw me out…”

“I ran after you the moment you went out the door but you didn’t hear me… I hated not being able to follow you but I couldn’t leave Aaron alone… I am sorry, Noah, so sorry…”

Noah looked at him. Luke wanted to die seeing him so sad. He tried to wipe away the tears.

“I love you so much it hurts… it really does”

He kissed him. He felt desperate to tell him how much he loved him. He needed Noah to know, to feel it any way possible. He kissed him again and again until they were both laying on the bed. Luke could feel Noah’s desperation too, to be loved, to feel Luke’s love.

They made frantic love and when it was over Noah tried to move away but Luke held him tight.

“No… I can still feel you, don’t go, please… stay like this, with me…”

Noah was lying on top of him and Luke needed to feel him.

“I am crushing you”

“No… stay, please…”

Luke held Noah’s face in his hands

“I love you…”

Noah just looked at him, but he didn’t talk, he just looked at him and Luke could feel his blue stare killing him.

“I do, Noah… I love you, I’m so lost without you… “

Noah still didn’t say anything.

“You have to believe me… I love you”

Luke knew he was just about to get hysterical, but the look in Noah’s face was killing him. Didn’t he believe him anymore? After they made love? Could it be true…?

“Noah…”

Luke’s eyes began to tear up, how could he be so far from him? Wasn’t he on top of him? Surrounding him? He could feel him all over his body and still didn’t feel like he was close enough.

He was going to panic any minute now. He could feel tears in his face. He wanted his Noah back, he needed him.

“I love you so much… so much, Noah… I”

Noah didn’t let him finish, he looked at him and something in his eyes changed. The ice melted and they turned dark blue, like an ocean… Noah put a finger in Luke’s lips to stop him from talking anymore. He kissed him. Slowly this time, a long sweet kiss that made Luke cry again.

“I love you too”

“I need you so much…”

They hugged

“I am so sorry, babe”

“Shh, I know… I know now…”

He kissed Luke again and moved so he was lying on his side. He took Luke with him so they were still holding onto each other. Luke was about to complain but Noah kissed him

“It’s okay, I’m not going anywhere”

Luke couldn’t stop holding onto Noah, he knew he had almost lost him because of his own stupidity and needed to make sure he was there with him. He felt so relieved that tears were now pouring down his face. Noah held him tight in his arms whispering in his ear

“Sh… I know… I’m sorry too, Luke… shhhhh”

He held him for a long time until Luke fell sleep. Noah just looked at him. He looked so calm… Sometimes he hated himself for loving him so much. It left him in his hands and it made him feel vulnerable. He could kill him in seconds. Faster than a bullet. The words were now branded in his heart. “Go… just go” Nothing had ever hurt so much, nothing in his life had scared him the way those words did. He’d never felt so lost.