A week later Luke was still fighting with memories. Every thing he saw reminded him of a sentence, a look, a kiss… On the way home Noah was all he could think of. He was in the subway, standing up leaning against the wall when the doors opened and he saw Noah entering the train

“No…”

Noah didn’t see him at first, only when he was standing up in front of Luke did he raise his gaze and saw him. Luke couldn’t believe it, there he was again… and he saw the smile flickering in Noah’s eyes

“No… no way…”

He moved to the other side of the train and felt himself getting angrier every second. He looked at Noah and saw him looking down at the floor with that smile on his face… it was driving him crazy.

“It’s gonna be a lot of fun… Not as much fun as if it were just the 2 of us alone together…”

“Yeah, well, we can always do that later, we’ve got nothing but time”

“Sounds so good to hear you say that”

Damn, damn, damn… He said that to him. He actually said that it was good to hear that they had nothing but time. Standing up in Oackdale, holding fishing rods and smiling… he put a hand in Luke’s waist and told him that it was good to hear that… Luke moved back to where he had been standing and looked straight at Noah’s eyes when he looked up

“No way, you hear me? You can’t do that to me”

Noah looked him in the eye. Shit, he still had the most amazing blue eyes he’d ever seen.

“Stop pretending you don’t know me cos we both know you do”

Noah just looked at him without talking

“And why the hell do you smile?”

“You walk”

He had spoken so softly that Luke thought that maybe he had imagined hearing those words

“What?”

“You can walk”

“Walk? Of course I can walk, what do you mean? That’s all you have to say? That I walk?”

Noah just looked at him

“Shit, Noah… you dissapeared on me and now you pretend not to know me… You have no right!”

“I’m sorry”

“You better be! I waited for you, months, years! And you never came, not to the hospital, not when I was back at the farm! You cannot imagine how that felt, not knowing… I hated you!”

“Okay”

“Okay?”

Noah didn’t say anything else. Luke had been waiting for this moment for ages, he had tried to imagine what he would say to him. After last week he felt very stupid because he hadn’t said anything, hadn't done anything.

And he was doing it now, telling him all the things he had thought all those years, shouting at him and telling him how much he hated him. He always imagined Noah shouting back, telling him he just hadn’t loved him and that he didn’t want him paralized… and yet here he was, agreeing with Luke. He wasn’t defending himself. It was too easy, Luke needed more.

“Stop it, you should be telling me that you didn’t want me, you should be shouting at me”

“Will it make it easier?”

“What?”

“If I shout at you, will it make you feel better? Cos I’ll do it if it’s what you want me to do”

“I can’t believe this…”

“I am sorry, that’s all I can say… I guess you thought about this as many times as I did, what would happen if we ever saw each other again…”

He smiled sweetly at Luke before talking again

“I did too. I tried to imagine what it would be like and what I would do and…”

“And you imagined yourself letting me shout at you?”

“Telling you that I’m sorry”

“You think that’s what I want to hear? That you are sorry you left me without an explanation?”

“I’m not sorry about that”

“What…”

“I’m sorry I let you believe I was… well, that there could be something between us…”

Luke looked at him speechless

“I am really sorry, Luke, I should’ve never made you think that I was like you”

He left just like that. The doors opened and he left the train without looking back, once again he just left Luke.


***************************

When Noah got home he sat on the sofa and looked up at the ceiling leaning back. He did it… after so many years feeling guilty he finally had been able to tell Luke that he was sorry. He looked at the coffee table and saw a black cap. He picked it up and looked at it.

“I guess you won’t be needing your lucky fishing cap, will ya?”

“Oh, come on, that’s my cap and I look so good in it”

He smiled remembering the last happy minutes he would ever have. He closed his eyes and other memories assaulted him, his dad shooting Luke before his eyes, the hospital, Luke’s parents looking at him knowing just as he knew whose fault it all had been…

“And then you went after Luke… why? What did he ever do to you except care for me!”

“The way that boy cares for you is wrong, is immoral”

He opened his eyes now, he didn’t want to think about that… there where so many terrible things that he wished he could forget…

“Luke, would you try to move your toes for me?… try again”

“I am trying… are they moving?… what… what’s wrong with them? why can’t I move my legs!”

He sat down and covered his eyes with his hands

“Have you heard?”

“Yeah”

“I guess I should’ve known it was too good to be true, that my dad would suddenly be okay with something he’s always had a problem with… I just wanted to believe so badly. I never wanted to see what I always knew was inside of him because if he hated Luke for what he was that could only mean one thing… that he hated me too”

He hadn’t seen his father again since the day they caught him. He didn’t want to have anything to do with him. He would never be able to look at him without seeing Luke on the forest, the blood, the fear… He killed his mother and he tried to kill Luke.

But he had learnt from experience, he knew now what happened to the people he loved. That he would never forget. It had haunted him for the past 7 years.

“Nothing’s gonna fix anything… Maddie, I made a mess of everything…”

He rubbed his face trying to keep the memories away

“What happened with me and Luke… it was a mistake, I never should’ve gone there”

“It’s who you are”

“It’s not who I wanna be! Look at all the trouble I’ve caused!”

“It’s not your fault. The mistake would’ve been to deny who you really are!”

He stood up with his hands in his head and tried to quit the voices

“I should’ve just… joined the army like my dad wanted me to and then none of this would’ve happen, Luke would still be okay…”

Luke would still be okay…

He remembered it all too well.

“Luke, would you try to move your toes for me?… try again”

“I am trying… are they moving?… what… what’s wrong with them? why can’t I move my legs!”

Luke paralized… that was the result of trying to be himself. That’s what happened when he decided to do what he wanted with his life… For the past 7 years he’d had the image of Luke in a wheelchair engraved in his mind.

He smiled now… he was walking… When he saw him standing up in the street the week before that was all he had thought about… he’s walking, he’s standing up… That had made him happier than he’d been in a very long time.

Luke walked.