When Noah woke up he was still on the floor. He stood up and he felt dizzy and had to steady himself.

“Shit… how long have I been on the floor? What time is it?”

He looked at his watch and saw that he had barely time to get ready for work. He had a shower and changed clothes and left the building.

Noah didn’t want to think about last night and whatever had happened to him. He couldn’t understand how it happened. Did he just lose consciousness? Just like that? He remembered that he couldn’t breathe, and everything went black and… darkness. That was all, darkness all around him, inside of him.

He arrived a the studios and went straight to work, he didn’t want to think,so he kept himself busy all day. Later, when everybody was getting ready to go home, he stood up from his chair at the editing room and felt the world spinning… shit, darkness again… swallowing him…

“Noah?… you okay?… damn! Noah?!”

He fell for what felt hours, falling… he could hear voices around him but couldn’t make himself talk or move. All he could do was wait for the darkness to make him his prisoner again.

When he opened his eyes he was lying on a bed. He looked around and saw what looked like an emergency room. Shit, a hospital? What the fu

“Ah, Mr. Mayer, you are awake, at last”

Noah saw a woman next to his bed, a doctor. She was probably well in her forties and seemed nice, very nice.

“What happened?”

“You fainted and your colleague called an ambulance. That was 3 hours ago. How are you feeling now?”

“Fine, I guess. Kind of numb”

It was actually quite good…

“When was the last time you ate, Mr. Mayer?”

“Ate?… I don’t know…”

“You are exhausted, and something tells me that you already know it. That’s what happens when you stop eating and sleeping, and when you work too much”

Noah didn’t know what to say, if it took exhaustion to help him sleep he would make sure that he was exhausted every damn night.

“It is dangerous, you know? We are just humans after all, and we do need sleep and food”

“I am fine”

How many times had he said that over the last weeks? At work, or at meetings, at the grocery store… I’m fine. Did anyone actually believed him when he said that? I’m fine… too bad the doctor didn’t seem to be buying any of it….

“You are not fine”

Shit, see? She didn’t.

“I’m going to keep you here overnight, just to make sure you get some food and some sleep”

“You can just sit down and wait if you really think I am going to sleep… you might as well get comfortable, you know”

The doctor smiled at him

“I take it you don’t sleep very well”

“This is where your degree comes in, right? Are you going to give me pills or something?”

The doctor kept smiling at him; Noah started feeling like an animal at the zoo

“What…”

“I am not going to prescribe any pills or anything else. I am going to recommend that you go to a specialist”

“I don’t need any specialist, I need to forget, do you know of any method?”

He was getting rude, now, but he couldn’t care less. He was so tired… he needed to forget.

“Please… can you make me forget?”

“What is it you want to forget?”

“The past 10 years of my life…”

“That’s a lot for someone as young as you”

“Tell me about it”

She smiled again. Damn, that smile was getting on his nerves. Didn’t she see that he was suffering?

“I was going to run some tests but something tells me that there is nothing wrong with you physically”

“I know what I have, thanks”

“What is it? Care to share?”

“Is there anything on your books about an empty heart?”

He expected the doctor to start laughing but she didn’t…. she just looked at him.

“I can’t believe I said that…. It sounds cheesy, right?”

“Sounds like you love someone you can’t have. She didn’t die, did she?”

Noah smiled for the first time since he woke up. She… that was funny… everyone thought he was straight.

“Mmmh… not, HE is not dead. I am. He’s got a husband and a kid…”

“You are gay?”

“Yes… is that a problem?”

“No, of course not”

“Good… just don’t say it”

“Say what?”

“Some of my best friends are gay…”

“I won’t. Why isn’t him with you?”

“Because I was a jerk and I left him”

“Why?”

“Because I was stupid, that’s why. I wasn’t good enough for him. I couldn’t accept that I was gay and… lots of things happened and he never blamed me for any of them, but….”

“You did?”

“Yeah… my father hated me for being gay and he never let me forget it, not for a second. He made my life hell… Luke had suffered enough, he didn’t need me in his life… not as long as my father was around”

“And you left him… you are a brave guy”

“I have been everything but brave, believe me. That’s what my father used to tell me all the time… And Luke never called me a coward, but I could tell that he expected more from me… he wanted me to fight and I gave up instead. How brave is that?”

“I think that leaving your boyfriend because you think you are doing what’s best for him is brave”

“Well, you are wrong”

“You are a stand up guy”

Noah could feel a tear going down his cheek…

“Eh, come on… let me get you a tissue”

Noah wiped the tear with his fingers and looked at it

“That’s okay… I cry for him every night, you see? This one shouldn’t be any different”

Another tear for lost love, for Luke.

“I have to go, but I will be back in a few, okay?”

“I’ll be here, I guess”

“Your guess is right”

She left the room and Noah looked at the door. She told that woman more than he’d told anyone in 10 years. What was wrong with him? He’s never been the kind of guy that tells strangers his problems. He had never been good with words and he usually kept everything inside. Until now, that is.

He was sure they had given him something, he felt sleepy, and calm… he looked out through the window. Could he get some more sleep? But without dreams, please, don’t let me dream, please… it’s so hard when you wake up and everything is gone… he’d rather not dream…

Chapter 8