Title: Weight of Love Chapter: 17. Rating: PG Summary: Luke and Noah's first Christmas Characters: Luke, Noah and the Snyders Genre: Warnings: Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

If Noah had to pick one word to describe Christmas Eve at the Snyders, Chaotic would be the perfect choice. Not that he was complaining any. He loved the constant activity, loved the family being together and enjoying each other’s company. He couldn’t remember ever having so much fun on a holiday. Christmas with his father certainly had never been remotely what he would call fun. The best part about this holiday was that he got to share it with Luke. No matter what gifts were exchanged the next day, nothing would beat the two of them reconnecting over the weekend. They weren’t 100% yet but Noah was just happy that they were once again on the same page…they were a team.

“Thank you,” he smiled as Luke placed a mug of hot chocolate in front of him. It was nice to see the smile that played on Luke’s lips as he sat beside him, taking a sip from his own mug. “Are you having fun, Luke?”

“It’s weird having such a good time when Grandma’s in the hospital,” Luke admitted softly. “But I’m enjoying myself, more than I thought I would considering…”

“Well even with everything that’s happened, we have a lot to be thankful for,” Noah reflected, taking Luke’s hand into his own. Silently they watched the merriment going on around them. Natalie and Faith were trying to convince Lily and Holden that they could stay up late, and Luke’s Grandma Emma was scolding Brad and Jack who were acting like big kids stealing Christmas cookies. Parker and JJ were distracted by a handheld video game, and Sage was trying valiantly to keep Ethan from crawling under the Christmas tree. Though, Luke and Noah guessed that her true intent was to get a sneak peek at her own gifts. Aaron, who had disappeared earlier returned as St. Nick bearing presents for everyone. Noah was pleasantly surprised that there was even a gift for him.
**

“I really love your family,” Noah whispered to Luke as they slipped upstairs to Luke’s old room. “They are so nice to me.”

Luke smiled. “You’re a part of the family now,” he said squeezing Noah’s hand. “It’s your family too, and they love you.”

“Not as much as you do, I hope.”

“Never,” Luke chuckled. “You’re really happy?” he asked letting go of Noah’s hand once they entered the room. He took a seat on the bed and looked up at Noah expectantly waiting for an answer.

“I’ve never been happier, Luke,” Noah said sitting beside him. “I wish we could have told everyone our good news tonight…but then again I don’t mind keeping it just between us for a little while longer.”

“Yeah…with Mom having an emergency at the Lakeview and Dad trying to keep Jack and Brad from killing each other,” he shook his head. “My family can be really crazy…have I ever apologized for that?”

“At least it’s obvious how you all feel about each other,” Noah commented wistfully. “There’s just so much love and affection…it’s addictive.”

“It is nice,” Luke admitted. “But sometimes it can be overwhelming with so many people around. I like our apartment…there’s less chaos there.”

“Ready for bed?” Noah asked, a smile crossing his features at Luke’s word choice.

Luke nodded and they prepared for bed silently. Luke claimed the right side of the bed, and Noah stayed on the left, giving Luke as much space as he could on the narrow mattress. “Do you think I should tell my family?” Luke asked a bit later as they lay in the dark.

“That’s totally up to you, Luke,” Noah replied. “You certainly don’t have to…and you don’t have to think about it right now.”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” Luke admitted.

“You’ll tell them what you need to when you’re ready. And even if you don’t it doesn’t make you a bad person. They are going to love you no matter what, Luke. Just like I do.”

“Noah?”

Without a word, Noah scooted over and pulled Luke into his embrace. Luke snuggled into the warmth and Noah buried his face in Luke’s hair. “I love you,” he said as Luke drifted off to sleep. Luke’s rhythmic breathing lulled him to sleep soon after…it was the perfect ending to a perfect night.
**

Christmas morning was hectic, but Noah enjoyed every minute of it. There was a whirlwind of wrapping paper and ribbons, mingling with laughter and squealing as everyone exchanged gifts and peeked into Christmas stockings. Noah couldn’t remember ever having this much fun, and it was nice to hear Luke laugh. He had missed that sound, and hoped it was a sign that Luke would soon be able to get past the events of the last month. The mere fact that he was able to feel comfortable with his family was encouraging.

Noah knew that Lily and Holden were glad that Luke no longer seemed distant. They still didn’t know all that had happened around Thanksgiving, but that was probably for the best. They figured his behavior was a direct result of the kidney infection…and that actually wasn’t too far off from the truth.

“Luke, you put that on upside down,” Natalie exclaimed as she snatched the hat from her brother to turn it the right way. Noah stopped fiddling with the camera he had received and watched the little girl explain exactly how the hat was supposed to go on One’s head. Luke listened carefully to the instructions and even Noah had to chuckle when he purposely put it on wrong again.

“I’m sorry Nat, I’m bad at following instructions today,” he explained. “Can you show me one more time?”

Watching Luke interact with his sister was nice. He was such a natural with all his siblings, and it was obvious that they had missed him too over the past few weeks. This really was shaping up to be the best Christmas.

“Noah, Luke finally did it right,” Natalie squealed excitedly. Noah smiled as Luke turned to face him and their eyes locked for a moment.

“I’ve missed your smile,” Noah admitted softly. “And I have to take a picture of you in the hat…its priceless."

Natalie insisted on getting in the picture too. And then she insisted that Noah take a picture with them. She wanted a picture with both of her brothers and Noah smiled. He could still remember asking Natalie what she wanted for her birthday. She had replied that she wanted another big brother, and he had told her he always wanted a little sister. More photos were snapped, and Luke’s merriment seemed to be contagious. It wasn’t long before everyone was laughing as if responding to a joke that would only be funny to those who were there.
**

Luke was playing with Ethan when he heard the telephone ring. His mom answered it, and he turned his attention back to his little brother. He was trying to teach him how to pick out the colored lights on the game he received for Christmas. Each color corresponded with a different sound, and Ethan seemed to be enjoying it.

“Merry Christmas to you too, Randy,” his mom’s voice reached his ears and his head snapped up, looking around until he caught sight of her on the phone. “That was very sweet of you to think of us Randy…and to ask about Luke. He has been a little under the weather…I’m sure he’d be happy to see you…”

Luke moved, telling Ethan to practice until he got back. He scanned the room, trying not to appear too frazzled though he could still hear his mom on the phone. Noah wasn’t there, and he faintly recalled that he had said he would help with the dishes.

“Are you okay, Luke,” Noah’s hands on his shoulders made him jump before he could relax. He looked back towards where his mom was still talking, and pushed Noah back towards the kitchen. “Luke, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know…I don’t know why I’m so freaked,” Luke whispered. “I know I shouldn’t be, Noah because it makes logical sense but…I just…”

Noah placed a finger on his lips to shush him before pulling him outside. They retreated to the warmth of the truck, and Luke relaxed his back against the seat and tried to steady his beating heart.

Noah leaned back and turned to face him. “Feel better?”

Luke was silent for a moment before looking at Noah. Their eyes locked instantly and he felt safe and secure. He nodded in answer to Noah’s question, not sure what else he could say.

“So what makes logical sense?” Noah quizzed.

”He called the house,” Luke said with a sigh. “And that alone shouldn’t have fazed me, but then he asked Mom about me and I just…do you think I overreacted?”

Noah didn’t have to think about who “He” was. He moved to place a hand on Luke’s shoulder but then thought better of it. If Luke was freaking about this phone call then now was not the time to touch him. “I don’t think you’re over reacting, Luke, but you know you don’t have to be frightened with me here.”

“I know,” Luke said turning his head away. He looked out the window toward the house. “I just don’t want him here. I feel very uneasy about the fact that he knows where my family lives, and that he can ask my mom about me. I just want him to go away.”

“Your mom would fire him in a heartbeat, Luke…you just have to tell her.”

“I can’t tell her something like that on Christmas,” Luke said facing Noah again.

“You’re right,” Noah said gently. “It is Christmas and you shouldn’t let Randy ruin that for you. Do you want to go back inside with your family?”

“I just want to go home,” Luke said after a moment’s pause. "I want to share Christmas with you, and close out the rest of the world for awhile.”

“Okay,” Noah conceded. “Stay here, I’ll be right back.”


“Is everything alright, Noah?” Holden asked when Noah walked in.

“Yeah,” Noah said smiling. “Everything’s fine, Luke and I are going to head on home though….to watch Its A Wonderful Life.”

“And Luke is okay?” Holden asked skeptically.

Noah sighed. He knew he couldn’t pull a fast one on Holden, especially not when it came to Luke. “Luke is feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment, but it’s nothing to worry about. He’s just…”

“It’s alright, Noah,” Holden said, saving Noah from having to explain. “Just take him home and take care of him. I know he’s going through something and he won’t tell me what. But I trust you with him.”

“I don’t think you could ever know how much that means to me, Holden,” Noah said gratefully. “I love your son, so much.”

Holden placed a hand on Noah’s shoulder and pulled him into a hug. Noah was momentarily startled by the move, but he recovered quickly and wrapped his arms around Luke’s dad. That hug ranked right up there with having Luke back in his life. It truly was a great Christmas.
**

“What are you smiling about?” Luke asked as Noah climbed into the truck.

“Your dad,” Noah replied, his smile widening as he started up the engine. “He’s just…the best dad.”

Luke managed a laugh and it was music to Noah’s ears. “He is pretty cool, and he cares about you Noah.”

Noah focused on backing out of the driveway, and only looked at Luke when they were safely on the read to home. “After today, I think I’m finally starting to realize that.”

“It’s nice…isn’t it?” Luke mused, the fondness clear in his voice.

“Yeah…it really is.”

They rode the rest of the way home in silence. Both of them lost in their own thoughts, which was probably for the best. Noah couldn’t help glancing over at Luke every now and again as they headed back into town. His husband was looking out the window, and checking behind him as if he expected something or someone to appear.

“Luke, relax,” Noah said as they pulled into the apartment complex. “We’re going to go inside, we’re going to watch our movie and then open gifts. It’s just us…no one is following okay?”

“I’m sorry,” Luke sighed, his hand on the door ready to open it once Noah parked. “I don’t mean to put a damper on your day, Noah…”

“I wouldn’t hesitate to say that this is the best day of my life Luke, and that’s because I’m sharing it with you.”

“And to think I thought the happiest day of your life was the day you married me,” Luke commented, a smile playing on his lips for the first time since they left the farm.

“I think it’s a tie,” Noah said holding his hand out for Luke to take if he wanted it. Ever so slowly Luke’s hand reached out for Noah’s. Their fingers touched lightly before he allowed Noah to wrap their fingers together snugly. Without another word they headed inside the building, and unbeknownst to them, snowflakes started floating to the ground.
**

“Look Daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings."
“That’s right, That’s right, George Bailey hugged his daughter and looked up towards the sky. Attaboy, Clarence.”

“That never gets old,” Luke said wistfully as the movie faded away. “I can watch it over and over and still feel like I’m watching it for the first time.”

“That’s funny coming from you,” Noah said with a laugh. “You can’t stand watching old movies.”

“That’s not true,” Luke protested. He laughed when Noah gave him that “yeah right” look. Okay so I’m not a classic movie buff like you, but I have come to appreciate your taste for black and white films. I love Casablanca, and I can admit that Claude Rains is a brilliant actor just like you and Maddie seem to think. But seriously, Noah I love It’s a Wonderful Life…we should watch it every year. It is single handedly the best Christmas movie of all time."

Noah laughed. "I love you," he said shaking his head. "I hope you know that"

“I know,” Luke said his voice soft as he ducked his head. Noah had forgotten how much he missed Luke’s shyness. Luke stood at that moment and it was right on the tip of Noah’s tongue to ask him where he was going when he disappeared into the bedroom. He returned moments later carrying a wide thin package which he handed to Noah.

“I love you too…dork. Merry Christmas.”

Noah took the package, his eyes not leaving those of his husband. Luke was sitting across from him, waiting for him to un-wrap the gift. Noah was careful not to rip the wrapping paper as he pulled it away from the box. He wanted to keep every part of this, his gift from Luke on their first Christmas. “He didn’t care how crazy that seemed; to him it was a treasure.

“You made this?” Noah was awed as his fingers touched the wood of the frame. He looked up at Luke for a moment, and was delighted to see a smile on his lips. “Just the frame itself is beautiful, Luke,” he said looking back down to take a look at the picture. He remembered the scene instantly. He could recall every moment of this day, as he tried to set everyone up for the photo; Luke made the split second decision to include him. The timer was set, and Noah could still feel the warmth of Luke’s hand as he pulled him behind the couch where they stood beside Holden. Luke was between them, and Noah couldn’t help but marvel at how perfect the shot was; Luke standing between the two men who loved him most. That just seemed fitting somehow.

“Read the inscription,” Luke’s voice met his ears and he looked up once more. He didn’t think he could have been more proud of this gift…and it was engraved too?

He looked down at the smooth frame, feeling it with his fingers until he found the engraved words. “Home is where the heart is,” he read, tears springing to his eyes as he smiled, “And my heart belongs to you. Welcome home.” His eyes were shining as he looked up to face his husband.

“Same here,” he said holding his hand out for Luke to take if he so pleased. This time Luke welcomed the small connection and he moved closer to Noah so they both could admire the picture.
**

“Another surprise,” Luke laughed as Noah lifted himself off the floor. “Noah I swear you are spoiling me.”

“You’re my husband, its my right,” Noah retorted letting their hands touch briefly. “This is a special surprise though…I have been waiting a long time to give it to you. I just have to go get it. Just wait for me, okay?”

Luke nodded, a secret smile crossing his lips as Noah left the room. He had a surprise for Noah too…he just hoped it would be enough for now.

Noah wasted no time going to where he had hidden Luke’s gift. He began to shift through things, knowing that he had buried it deep under some oversized sweatshirts he couldn’t bear to toss out. The mound of shirts seemed much larger than he remembered it being, and it seemed to be taking forever for him to find his package. He heard the rustle of plastic as his hand touched a bag that was near the bottom of the clothes.

Curiously he pulled the bag out and wrinkled his face as a pungent smell reached his nose. He moved out of the closet and opened the bag to see what was inside. At first there didn’t seem to be anything but torn pieces of fabric. It was a mixture of red, and blue denim, and it made Noah frown. He just couldn’t understand why there would be smelly fabric in the back of their closet. He pulled the fabric out of the bag, and immediately wished he hadn’t.

His heart clenched and his stomach turned as he realized what he held in his hands. It wasn’t just random scraps of fabric…it was the remnants of clothes. The plastic bag fell to the floor as he held the items in his hand and allowed his head to process just what those items meant.

He remembered that shirt, the red one Luke favored, it was tattered beyond repair, and it smelled of sweat and grime. Luke had been wearing it that night….and now here it was a blaring reminder of what he had suffered. The button was gone off the jeans, and the zipper was broken. Noah was horrified…these had been his favorite pair, the ones he loved to see Luke in. They showed off Luke’s physique quite nicely. Noah was shaking as he held the items in his hands. He brought the clothes to his nose and closed his eyes. Luke’s smell was there…mingled in with the sweat and the disgusting taint.

Up until this point, what happened to Luke had seemed almost like a story. He knew the tale, had heard it from his lover’s own lips but it was something he could put aside…like a book that was no longer appealing. But now he couldn’t do that. His heart hurt as the image of Luke trying to break away from Randy’s grasp flashed in his mind. He could hear the rips and the protests…he could feel the fear and it made him want to cry.

He held the clothes tightly, and allowed a tear to trickle down his cheek. More tears followed as the full impact of what happened last month hit him full force. He felt responsible…and he marveled that his husband didn’t blame him for this. He should have tried harder to talk to Luke that night. He knew that now. He shouldn’t have accused him of being unfaithful…he should have tried to explain. He should have told Luke exactly what Randy had said…the reason he had hit him in the first place.

He cried for the pain Luke must have felt along with the shame and the betrayal. That was what angered Noah even more than anything. For what it was worth, Luke had trusted this guy…and he had completely and totally violated that. There was no excuse for it, nothing that could make that even remotely right. What Randy had done was wrong, and Noah was not going to let him get away with it. He took a deep breath and wiped away his tears knowing that Luke would come looking for him soon. He stuffed the clothes back in the bag and tied it tightly before placing it in a small duffel bag which he hung on his shoulder.

“Where are you going?” Luke asked as Noah reentered the living room. “And what took you so long?”

“I’m sorry Luke,” Noah said with a sigh. He frowned and came as close to his husband as he dared without making him uncomfortable. “I left your present at the station and I have to go get it.”

“Is it something you really want me to have today?” Luke asked frowning. “It’s snowing outside Noah…I can wait…”

“No,” Noah insisted. “I want you to have it tonight. Please just trust me. I’ll be back soon, and I’ll be careful okay?”

Luke was silent for a moment and Noah was almost afraid that he would object again. He just wanted to get those clothes away from the apartment as fast as he could. Luke didn’t need any more reminders of what he had faced…the emotional scars were more than enough.

Luke slipped into Noah’s arms for a moment, completely taking Noah by surprise. He recovered quickly enough and wrapped his arms around his husband. It felt good to do that…it had been too long. Luke stood on his tiptoes and kissed Noah lightly on the lips. It was a small kiss, but for Noah it was a very big deal. They hadn’t been that close since the blackout.

“Just be careful okay,” Luke said pulling out of the embrace.

“You won’t even know I was gone,” Noah said taking Luke’s hand. He brought Luke’s fingers to his lips for a moment before looking into Luke’s eyes. “That was probably the best gift you could have given me. I love you…I’ll be home soon.”
**

The snow was coming down pretty heavily when he pulled out of the driveway. He knew Luke was concerned about him, so he made sure he was driving slowly, and he had his seat belt on. It occurred to him as he rode along that he didn’t really have a destination. He headed in the general direction of the Station, but he had no reason to go there. His intent had been to get rid of the clothes but that wasn’t logical.

If Luke ever decided to tell the truth, there would need to be proof. If Luke wanted to press charges…then there had to be evidence…there was no way that Bastard Randy was going to turn this one around on Luke. Noah would not allow that…not at all.

The snow was falling steadily and Noah was finding it hard to see the road ahead of him. He was going as slow as he dared, not wanting to slip and slide on the wet streets. He was upset with himself for allowing this to happen. Luke never would have been in danger if it weren’t for him. Somehow someway…Noah could have protected him…even with what Randy had said. Noah would have made sure nothing happened to Luke.

But he wasn’t responsible for Randy’s actions anymore than Luke was. Randy was the only one to blame and Noah wanted nothing more than to snap the intern's neck in two. His fingers were wrapped tightly around the steering wheel, and he knew he needed to calm himself down. His anger at Randy was distracting him, and he needed to concentrate on the roads. He was going relatively slowly but the weather was getting progressively worse. He just wanted to go back home. He wanted to take his husband into his arms and hold him there for as long as Luke would allow. That was a calming thought…just what he needed to forget about Randy.

He didn’t see the SUV coming toward him until the last possible second. The car was moving too quickly and Noah swerved in an attempt to avoid a collision. The sound of splintering glass and crushing metal sounded loud in his ears as he felt himself being forced out of the truck. He hit the ground on his stomach, his face hitting the cold ground with such forth it was a wonder he was still coherent. A pain like he’d never experienced shot through his body, and he could taste the copper on his teeth.

He couldn’t move, and he tried hard to stay concious. He heard footsteps in the snow, and felt a hand touch his shoulder, turning him on his back. His eyes tried to focus, but he was finding it hard to see. He saw Blond hair and he squinted. He was slipping away fast, but he opened his mouth determined to speak…to call out to the blond.

“Luke…”

Everything went black.