- Story by pennylane (Alli)-
- Video by Noah/NukeFan (Manny)-
- Song: "Kingmaker" by Immediate Music-

"Broken"

-The story picks up where the video leaves off.
Noah is struggling to deal with all that has happened.









I walked on the isolated, chilled street. No one was around because it was a Friday night, and any normal college student would be out having fun. I don’t deserve fun. I deserve isolation and rejection. I mean, that is what I have been making myself do lately, so why not stay the same. I don’t need anyone. I was fine by myself for years.

As I finished my walk back and went into my dorm, I changed into sweats and turned on the TV. I hated the fall. It was chilly and only reminded me of everything that happened last year this time of year. Just more memories I wish I could wash away. Why is this so hard on me? Don’t I get a damn break? Its fine, I’ll just see if there are any movies on. I flipped through the channels, and just as my luck would have it, nothing is on. Great I thought. The one dependable thing I’ve ever really had in my life isn’t even working anymore. You know what? Sleep. Sleep is what I need. Even if it is only nine o’clock at night and I haven’t gone to bed this early since I was a kid.

I rested my head on the pillow very cautiously and closed my eyes. I’ve been sleep depriving myself for so long because every time I try to close my eyes, all I see and all I hear…is my father. I can’t sleep hoping that one day he will come back and everything will work out, because that’s not happening. Plus, it’s not like I could push them away with happy thoughts because I’ve pressed myself so far away from anyone I love out of fear…that there were no more happy memories. Not for months anyway. And I can’t bring myself to even think back to the good times, hell, the amazing times, with Luke because it only hurts worse. But I’m doing it for him, I really am. If I push myself so far away and seem like I don’t love him as much as I still do…then he can forget about me and stay safe. Because even though I know our…whatever it is now, isn’t and will never be the same, I don’t know what I’d do if he were to get hurt. I never deserved him in the first place.

Get it together Noah! Stop thinking about Luke! You don’t know what that boy has done to you! Be a man, son!

“Dad?” I asked, waking up, not knowing I had even slept. No one was there, just the glow of the TV. I felt water droplets all over my forehead and wiped them off with my sleeve.

“I’m sweating? This is pathetic. Now I’m talking to myself! As if I wasn’t crazy enough!” I yelled, getting agitated.

A shower, I thought. I just need a shower.


I convinced my body to make its way towards the shower room. This only reminded me to thank my roommate for breaking the showerhead, and having yet to fix it. I set my clothes in my locker and grabbed my soap. I just stood there, the water almost scolding hot, trying to relax. After a few minutes, I got out and as I was finishing putting my shirt on, Tony came in.

“Hey stud! Mind if I join you,” said Tony, lifting with left brow and trying to catch my eye. He ripped his shirt off before I could even respond.

“Actually I was just leaving. So…bye,” I said, avoiding eye contact at all cost. Something I was getting good at unfortunately.

“How is it you’re always leaving?” he asked, as I was halfway through the door. I turned around, having no clue where he was going with this.

“I’m sorry?”

“Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about,” Tony said, with a smirk on his face.

“Look, I apologized for leaving the pride thing a long time ago. If you’re still holding a grudge, then that’s your problem,” I said, then turning to leave again. However, his next words made me halt yet again with a deadly twinge.

“Luke must’ve said the same thing I did to get you worked up so easily.”

“It’s none of your business.” I could almost hear my teeth grind.

“Whatever, I give up! You’re not worth it anyway. But Noah!” he yelled after me as I was in the hall. “Luke’s not the same either! Reg couldn’t even get him to touch him which sure as hell means something! I hear he's hanging out with some other guy anyway.”

Trying my best to ignore Tony in general, I was storming back to my room. Why did he bring Luke into this? Why?! Then my anger passed faster than I probably would’ve liked considering I hated the next feeling I had. Concern. Luke…Luke’s not the same. What does he mean not the same? Forget it; I do not want to even go there tonight! Just another thing I would have to add to my shitty night.

When I went up to my dorm room and tried to open it, it was locked.

“Wes! Wes, open up it’s me!” I said, banging on the door. Wes came to the door, shirt off and a bit flustered.

“Noah, I thought you were going out tonight!” he said, glancing back in the room.

“Yeah because I’m such the social butterfly.” Sarcasm was becoming my defense mechanism of choice lately, and it was even beginning to irritate me. “Let me in.”

“Uh, I don’t think you should!” he said giving me a look.

“Ugh, right now? I just want to sleep. Can’t you go have sex in her dorm?”

“Dude, I am not stopping with this one! She’s a foreign exchanged student from Spain. Spain! I’ll do whatever you want if you just go. Please!”

“Fine,” I sighed, giving in. No reason why I should deny anyone’s happiness. “Just throw me a pair of jeans and I’ll be on my merry way.”

“You’re the best roommate ever,” said Wes, turning around to grab the closet pair of jeans on the floor and throwing them at me. “Later!”

“These are your---“then the door slammed in my face. I guess I am lucky enough to have a roommate with the same build as me or this night could have gotten a hundred times worse. I looked down on the floor and saw Wes’s jacket that apparently he couldn’t keep on one second longer with that girl so close to the dorm. I grabbed it and put it on as I began my aimless walk around campus.

I looked around at the campus, went to different buildings I haven’t gone to before, but somehow ended up walking towards Java. I guess since I’ve been working there for a while I subconsciously came here, showing again of how much an inept college student I am. I tried going out, I did. It just…it wasn’t the same. Then, it happened.

“Noah?” The all-to familiar voice rang. I turned around, and there he was.

“Luke,” I said, looking briefly at him before getting distracted by the man next to him.

“Noah, I thought you…you left for the army?”

“I-it’s…complicated,” I stumbled. “The end result was…they wouldn’t let me.”

“Why?” asked Luke, genuinely concerned. I could see it in his eyes, even if it was dark outside.

“I…don’t really want to go into it. Who are you,” I said more than asked at the taller guy.

“Oh, I’m sorry I was spacing out. Noah, you remember Roth right?”

“Vaguely,” I said, trying to still act civil as I extended my hand. His shake was firm, which gave me even more reason to not like him. I was hoping it would be weak, showing that I am at least stronger than he is, if anything.

“Nice to see you again!”

He seemed like a nice person. Caring, loving…everything Luke was.

"Yeah. So, what are you guys doing here at ten thirty on a Friday night?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” said Luke, looking me in the eyes. One of the things I miss about you so much.
“Well…I asked first.”

“We were doing a project for class and picked up some extra toner for the printer,” Roth offered. I’d forgotten he was there.

“What class?”

“Does it matter?” Luke asked bitterly.

“No,” I said, looking down again and mumbling. “I guess it doesn’t.”

“Roth, you should go ahead and leave if you wanted to go to that thing tonight. I’ll e-mail you the rest of the work. I want to talk to Noah.”

This time when I looked up, Luke’s eyes were caring, and not as they were before; which was a bit annoyed. I would be annoyed too I think. Not that I would know about someone that would care about me enough to be annoyed.

“Look, Noah, what’s gotten into you?” he asked, pulling me aside before I shook his grip loose.

“Nothing. I should go.”

“No, you’re not leaving,” said Luke, his voice stern, grabbing me again.

“Luke, let go!”

“Or what? You’ll punch me?! Go ahead; hit me then because I am not letting you go Noah!”

“I would never---I couldn’t…” I said, trying to make a coherent sentence.

“I know you wouldn’t.” he said softly, looking me tenderly in the eyes.

“I…I need to go now.”

I took only three steps before he ran in front of me, causing me to stop.

“Luke, move.”

“No.”

“Please move?”

“Noah, I’m not going. I’m sure you would’ve caught on by now seeing how you were always running and I was always trying to stay with you,” Luke said matter of factly.

“You know, you’re not convincing me to stay. Maybe you should catch up with your boyfriend,” I said coldly, turning to walk again.

I could hear Luke let out a sarcastic laugh. “You’d love that wouldn’t you? If I finally after these past three, agonizing months, that I would finally move on! Well, news flash Noah, I haven’t!”

That caught my attention and stopped me dead in my tracks. There was a deafening silence for a moment as I conjured up my next question.

“Why…why not?”

“Why do you think Noah?” he asked, by my side now.

I closed my eyes and said, “But you need to. That’s why…it’s why I broke up with you, Luke.”

It was silent again, but only for a brief second before Luke said “That’s the reason I get? Three months of coming up with all these different reasons and possibilities and that’s what I get?! Noah, you’re going to have to do better.”

“I’ve been trying to do better! Don’t you get it?!” I yelled turning around to face him.

“No, I don’t! Why don’t you tell me? Hmm? Enlighten me Noah!”

“Gah, you’re so! — “

“I’m so what? What am I Noah? Because I’ve been waiting to hear this answer too. What am I?”

“Nothing,” I said finally.

“I’m nothing. Well, good to know where I stand!”

“No, you’re not nothing, I just…”

“What Noah? Can you please put together a whole thought so I can understand what exactly is going on? Or what has gone on like why you didn’t get into the army?”

“I said I didn’t want to talk about it!” I hollered.

When I saw the expression on Luke’s face…I could not believe I let myself do that. I let myself become my father. Luke face’s was full of hurt and surprise…it was almost too much for me to bear.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell,” I said solemnly, casting my gaze to my right.

“You know,” Luke started, sounding like he was still recovering from the yell, “I thought maybe these past months healed you. I thought ‘maybe if I give him the space he’s talking about, and let him do what he asks, then he’ll realize how much he misses me. That he will come back to me. And we’ll be even stronger and better than we ever were.’ But I guess that didn’t happen did it?”

I tried not to look at him, knowing if I did, I would feel shame and guilt rush into my system stronger than I could ever control. I bit my lip and continued looking to my right.

I heard a breathy laugh as Luke said, “You can’t even look me in the eye anymore, Noah.”

I knew this, but I was hoping for a chance in hell that Luke wouldn’t. I should have known me hoping for something means it will never come true.

“You know what Noah; I’m going to be the first one to walk away this time. Goodbye, Noah.”

I felt a wave of remorse as Luke brushed my shoulder when he walked passed me.

“Depression and anxiety with a record of mental illness in the family,” I said aloud for the very first time. I heard Luke’s steps stop.

“What?” he asked sharply.

“That’s…that’s why I couldn’t go into the army. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and severe anxiety a week after the party at Yo’s. It’s why I left. I felt this…this tightening in my chest and I…I couldn’t move. So I left and didn’t come back.”

“What caused it,” Luke asked, now walking towards me again, a gentle and cautious expression on his face.

“The doctors said it was built up over the couple of days between…New York…but what set it off was seeing you with Reg. I couldn’t handle it I guess.”

“But you came with Tony.”

I shook my head, “Tony and I ran into each other at the door. We were both waiting to get inside and when he saw Reg with you he decided to use me as a pawn in his little game to get Reg’s attention.”

“It worked. Reg was really mad about it. Here, sit,” Luke, gestured at the bench closest to them.

I was hesitant, but did anyway. I kind of missed being close to Luke.

“So…they diagnosed you with depression too? On the same day?”

“Yeah. They took tests, but the doctor said he knew by all my signs that I was already depressed. So when tried convincing him that I was fine and just having a hard time, that didn't work and he wrote me a prescription. Then he asked me if anything else was going on and stupid me blurted ‘besides the fact that my dad died and I can hear his voice every time I try to sleep?’”

“Oh wow. Noah, every time? Does it still happen?”

“Yeah.”

“The medicine didn’t help?”

“I wouldn’t know. I didn’t take any of it.”

“Noah,” said Luke, giving him a ‘you know better’ look.

“I figured it wasn’t going to help me anyway!” I said, pleading my case. Luke just put his hand on his head and asked what happened after that.

“Then…I went to the base back in Branson. I got through the first week of boot camp before they realized who my father was. Then when they looked at my medical records…well…it all went downhill from there.”

“That must have been hard on you. I know you thought of the army as a way out. As crazy as that is, might I remind you.”

“I don’t think I’ve forgotten the hundred other times you told me that after I first told you I joined.” I was somewhat shocked to hear myself joke. I was even more shocked when I saw Luke grin for the first time that night. For the first time in months actually.

“So they rejected you and then you…stayed there all this time?”

“No, I’ve been here. Going to school, working at Java, and that’s pretty much it.”

“Wait,” Luke said, sitting upright. “You’ve been here this whole time? I’ve never seen you around! What do you do, stay in your dorm every Friday night?!”

When I didn’t say anything that gave Luke the correct response.

“Noah! You spend all your Friday nights in the dorms?”

“Sometimes at Java or the lab,” I said sheepishly.

“Noah,” said Luke, giving me that look again.

“Ok, stop looking at me like that.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Luke said, putting his hands up.

We allowed another silence to fill the air.

“Noah? I just have one last question.”

I didn’t know how to answer. A question coming from Luke could be anything. A few more moments of quiet, and I answered with a head nod.

“Why did you push me and everything so far away?”

His voice was caring, but I willed myself not to look into his eyes. I could count the number of times I’ve cried on one hand, and Luke had somehow been involved in almost all of them.

I couldn’t resist the temptation anymore. His fixed eyes had a pull on me that I was powerless against. Seeing the wetness in his eyes…the vulnerability…a strike of pain stung in my chest. Tears, fighting to force themselves out of my ducts as I struggled to answer.

All those times my father told me to be a man were rushing from my memory. I needed to be a man and tell Luke why I can’t be around him. He deserves at least that much.

“Luke, I know how much you loved me—“

“Love.”

“What?”

“Love, as in, I still love you Noah. I told you that at Java; that I would always love you.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said, looking down again. I was becoming so horrible with eye contact it was humiliating. “It’s just, that’s the reason that I separated myself from you, from your family. I knew that you all cared about me, but considering my past with people I care about…I had to—“

“You had to get rid of all the people so they wouldn’t get hurt.”

“Exactly,” I said, looking up at him again.

“But Noah, don’t you see that by destroying your relationships with everyone else, you’re destroying yourself?” I could hear the honest concern and sorrow in Luke’s voice.

“So what? I don’t matter that much anyway, not any more.”

“Noah, you always matter,” said Luke, cupping my face with his hand for a few seconds. Shivers ran up my spine at the touch of his hand.

“No, I—“

“Yes you do!” he said, and I detected a bit of anger in his voice. “Noah, you can’t just sit here and tell me you don’t matter because to me…to me you mean everything Noah!”

“I don’t deserve to be your everything; I don’t deserve to be anyone’s anything! Luke, you are so much better off without me."

"You didn't think that when we got back from New York."

"When we first got back from New York?”

“Yes.”

“Luke, I’m not going to lie to you, that was because I was just plain angry at you. Now, I can still see that side, the angry side with you and I can still see my way of thinking then. Later though, when I had time to think about it, I knew breaking it off for good would be the best thing.”

“Why? Why would you do that, knowing it would break my heart,” asked Luke breathlessly.

“I did it because I knew that I wasn’t going to get better and I still needed to sort out everything. Having you there would only slow the process I thought.”

“You thought? So you don’t think that way now?” It hurt me to hear the hope in Luke’s voice.

“No. Now I think that if I stay far away, nothing bad will ever happen.”

“Noah, do you know how stupid that sounds,” Luke joked half-heartedly.

“It’s working so far.”

“No, it’s not. All it has done is make me miss you and worry about you more. Because for some reason, you’re still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing before I go to bed. So I worry, and I care and I…I miss you Noah.”

“Really?” I asked, searching his eyes.

“Really. I’m not the only one either,” he said with a grin.

“What do you mean?”

“Faith and Natalie keep asking when you'll be back for that rematch on the boys versus girls’ board game,” said Luke, the grin growing into a smile. I couldn’t help but smile too.

“So can I give them an estimate of how long they should wait?” he asked, the smile fading.

“Luke, I…I still don’t know. I mean I have a few things sorted out but I’m still…”

“Still not sure. You know…three months ago, I would’ve been furious. Not to say I’m not a little mad now,” Luke said, nudging my arm and smirking, “but I think you need a little while.”

“Thanks Luke,” I responded, half-smiling back.

“Notice how I said ‘little while’. I know I said I’d wait for you forever, but we both know I’m not that patient," he said, getting up.

“Yeah, I know,” I agreed as I stood up also.

“Good. Well, I’ll leave you to your…wandering tour back to campus. Unless you want me to drive you…”

“You have a car?” I asked with apparently too much surprise in my voice.

“Don’t be so shocked! I can drive you know. How do you think I got around before you started chauffeuring me everywhere?”

“Ok, fair point,” a smile easing itself across my face.

“For a depressed person you smile a lot,” Luke said, walking backwards towards the parking lot.

“I’ll have to cut back then.”

“You better! Don’t want people thinking you’re happy or anything.”

“We can’t have that now can we?”

“No we can not!” he yelled back to me. “Bye Noah,” he said, turning around.

“Bye Luke,” I said softly.

Maybe there is a chance for us, but not right now. I still have so much to get through, so much to learn about myself. I can’t be broken anymore.